In the aftermath of an(other) argument with your teen, you may feel defeated, demoralized, and wondering how your relationship will weather the storm of adolescence. Even if you’re used to butting heads with your kid from their younger years, friction with a teen just hits differently. In fact, some research shows that the number of conflicts you have with your kids actually goes down as they enter their teenage years, but the intensity goes up.
You may find some comfort in the fact that your teen arguing with you is—for the most part—a healthy part of their development into a fully-formed adult. During adolescence, the areas of the brain responsible for logic and reasoning get a boost, prompting teens to need and want to flex these emerging skills.
“It’s the job of teenagers to become increasingly independent from their parents, and part of how they do that is not being in lock step with their parents about everything,” says Lisa Damour, child development expert and New York Times best-selling author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood and a forthcoming book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers.
It’s not easy to assert independence while living under the same roof as your parents, says Damour, so it’s not surprising that kids find that distance however they can. As a parent, knowing how and when to engage in their dissension can help conflict stay constructive and avoid destructive patterns that can erode your relationship.
Don’t dismiss
Teens are often generous and frank with their feedback, and they don’t always offer it in the kindest manner. Damour says that opening yourself to the idea that their observations can help you grow and change for the better can shift your perspective.
“The job of the parent when getting heat from their teen is to consider the possibility that the teen has a point,” she says. “You can and should require the teen to make that point in a civil way, but dismissing their critics wholesale or flexing the authority that comes simply by being the parent has not, in my experience, been a strategy that has worked well for families. ”
In other words, “because I said so,” an often-used line on little ones, is likely to do more harm than good once puberty strikes. If you don’t see eye-to-eye with them, tell them the reason why, and listen to their reasoning, too. You may still disagree, but you’re showing your teen their feelings and opinions matter, which builds a rapport between you.
“Saying ‘Because I’m the parent,’ and hoping that will end the conversation is a lost opportunity,” says Damour.
Understand your teen’s dispute style
Damour says that some of the research on conflict resolution organizes how most people—not just teenagers—approach disagreement into four broad categories: attacking (name-calling and general meanness), withdrawing (avoiding the problem or refusing to discuss it), complying ( giving in or towing the line to make the disagreement stop) or problem-solving (engaging in negotiation and compromise). Problem-solving is the goal, but most teens fall into one of the other three camps.
- An attacking-style teen may be looking for you to go toe to toe with them, but don’t reward their onslaught with your energy, Damour says. “If a teenager starts an argument by attacking, I think that’s exactly when the parent should say, ‘Look, we’re not seeing eye to eye, but I think we can sort this out, but not if you’re going to talk to me like that,” she says. Take a break and come back if and when the conversation can be civil.
- A withdrawing teen may need an invitation into a conversation about the disagreement. “You can ask a question along the lines of, ‘I know you’re not happy with the rule we made and I’m open to talking it through with you. What gets in the way of you feeling like we can have that conversation?’” says Damour.
- A compliant teen may sound like a myth, but it can happen—and can actually be a sign something is off. “When there’s a total absence of friction between teenager and parent, I do have questions,” says Damour. “The child may not feel that it is safe to disagree with the parent, either for their own safety or because the parent seems too fragile.” Disagreement may not feel good, but remember: your job isn’t to be your teen’s buddy, and it’s not theirs to admire you. When you’re able to stand your ground and validate their feelings simultaneously, it gives them a stable place to honor conflict resolution skills that will serve them well after they’ve left home.
Have a growth mindset
Parenting a teen is less about eliminating conflict and more about evolving because of it. That evolution isn’t just for them, it’s for you, too. It’s highly likely you’ll mess up from time to time as you navigate parenting a teen, just like your teen will make mistakes as they learn how to separate themselves from you. Not only is repair possible, it can be beautiful, says Damour.
“Apologizing to teens when it’s deserved is one of the most gracious and powerful things we can do as parents,” she says. “It’s fun to get along with our kids, but some of the most growth-giving interactions happen when we work to fix a rupture in the relationship.”
